From: beebe@netcom.com (Mike Beebe)
Subject: Great Stoner Stories!
Date: Sun, 19 Mar 1995 10:07:31 GMT


   Herein presented for your loaded amusement are a small collection of
yarns best known as 'Great Stoner Stories'.

1) What's a 'stoner story'?

   It's a tale told by someone who is stoned.

2) Stoned?

   Fuck yeah I am!

3) Uhhhhh . . . aw man, I forgot what I was gonna ask . . . 

   You were gonna ask about the Ben and Jerry's in the freezer and were
   gonna be told to keep yer fuckin' hands off!

4) Where's these stories, you viciously loaded bastard, you?

   Right below, butthead! I hope you get stuck in an elavator with a crank
   fiend who's on his/her/it's 9th day of doing nasty, sticky brown
   chicken-crank lines the thickness of a railroad tie.


Story 1)

     "The 8th I lost . . ."

  "Oh, dude, check it out: I lost the KILL eighter! I scored this bud from
my brother's friend up in Humbolt who's an indoor grower. It was the HELLA
kind keeba, dude! It was one bud and it was WHITE with crystals. It stunk
so bad, dude! It smelled like a cross between a lime, a Pine tree and a
dead skunk. It was all hella sticky and had these big ol' PURPLE hairs. The
dude sold it to my bro for $10 and my bro kicked it down for wrecking my
Nova on the way back from 'Rock and Barf'. Anyway, dude, like I was all
jazzed because I copped this wicked buddage and I jammed it in my pocket
and rode my bike over here to show it to you. But, dude, it all blew outta
my pocket and fell down on 101 and got run over by a semi. If I had it, I'd
TOTALLY share it with you, too. Uh, can I have some of your Ben and Jerry's
now?


Story 2)

    "I was -SO- stoned at The Wall!"

   "Dude! I was -SO- fuckin' baked when I went to see The Wall. Sean snagged
some of his mom's sinse stash and we copped this big ol' bud! We went in
and blazed like 10 bowls. Oh man -- that movie ROCKS!

    "Uh, by the way, which one's Pink?"


Story 3)

     "My friend's bong . . ."

   "Dude! Have I ever told you about my friend's bong? It's this big ol'
eight-foot Graphix made outta blue acrylic! He named it 'Brain Death'.
One hit and you fly for DAYS! Aw man, it is SO awesome . . . dude, pass
me the Coke (tm) can so I can get a hit . . .


Story 4:

     "Dude -- the COPS!"

   "Dude -- the COPS! HEY MAN! COME BACK HERE! I AIN'T FACIN' THESE FUCKERS ALONE! Aw man!!"


Story V:

    "Scientology really is a religion and not a well-orchastrated scam designed
     to bilk millions from gullible sots who shouldn't have been allowed to
     handle their own money in the first place"

[Never actually gets told. Teller gets as far as 'not a scam' and begins
 laughing hysterically, then gets distracted when he sees you used his Cd
 copy of Led Zep IV as a coaster for your Red Wolf, or some such other 'red'
 beer that quickly filled the vacancy in piss beer left by ice-dry-draft-lite.]


Story 1,365,289 . . .

   "Uh, dude . . . I think I just pissed in your aquarium."

   Differs from story 979,356 ("Uh, dude . . . I think I just shit in your
   hat.") in that the drubbing administered to the teller by the tellee
   immediately following the conclusion of the story is on the level of
   story 6e+09-1^2 ("Uh, dude . . . I think I just set fire to your parrot.")


And the FINAL Great Stoner Story:

    "Dude! I know where we can score some hella kind any time of the day for
     only $25 an eigth and the dude ALWAYS has it!"

   (Complete and utter bullshit, but that fact doesn't stop your heart from
    beating 60 times faster than it did BEFORE you heard this nefarious
    narrative!)

Compiled, collected and posted by none other than . . .

Mike "Let's get to the point / Kindly pass, the fucking joint!" Beebe
--
A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45